LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Dave
Eye Color: Blue
Righty or Lefty: Lefty
Zodiac Sign: Aries
LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your fears: Planes, Automatons
Your perfect pizza: Thin crust with mushrooms
Goal for future: Book deal
LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW:
Your thoughts when you first wake up: "Gotta go exercise."
Your best physical feature: My height (6'3") or my hair (dark blonde)
Your bedtime: Usually 10:30 p.m.
Your fondest memory: Birth of my sons
LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK:
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
Single or group dates: Single
Adidas or Nike: Adidas, if I had to choose
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: Uhh, I don't drink coffee, but I guess black coffee
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: Never
Take a shower: Daily
Think you've been in love: Definitely. Three times.
Believe in yourself: Kinda not.
LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: Yes.
Gone to the mall: Nope.
Been on stage: Yes.
Eaten Sushi: Yes.
Been dumped: No.
Been ice skating: Not since the 90s.
Dyed your hair: Nope.
LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER:
Played a stripping game: Nope.
Gotten beaten up: Not beaten up; punched, yeah.
Changed who you were to fit in: Never.
LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLD:
Age you're hoping to be married?: Have been since 1993!
LAYER NINE: IN A GIRL/GUY
Best eye color: Doesn't matter; she just has to have pretty eyes.
Best hair color: Color doesn't matter; texture does -- she should have good hair.
LAYER TEN: where you were
1 MINUTE AGO: In front of computer.
1 HOUR AGO: In front of computer (writing)
1 DAY AGO: On the sofa.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE:
I FEEL: Good!
I HATE: Nazis.
I HIDE: Nothing.
I MISS: My 20s.
I WANT: To write full-time!!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Harumph
I've been lax about the bloggage, lately. Whoopsie!
Hope the blog gods are a forgiving bunch!
Hope the blog gods are a forgiving bunch!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
10 Signs...
Boy, can I relate to this, jobwise...
Ten Ways to Know It's Time to Go
A Job-Change Checklist
By Caroline Levchuck
No matter how much you love your job, you may not love it all the time.
Folks with the most fulfilling of professions can still find themselves
battling a case of the "Sunday Night Blues." And, from time to time, we may
all feel a sense of disenchantment with our employer or our co-workers.
But how can you know when it's really time to go? Here's a hint: If more
than half of the following statements ring true for you, get your resume
ready and start connecting with new opportunities today.
1. You start to dread Monday as soon as you leave work on Friday.
[Check.]
2. It becomes more and more difficult to get up for work each day, and
tardiness becomes a way of life.
[Check, except reverse tardiness -- wanting to leave early]
3. You cannot muster enthusiasm for anything related to work -- other than
your paycheck.
[CHECK!]
4. You spend most of your time complaining to colleagues or about your
colleagues.
[Check!]
5. You act defensive and even hostile in company meetings when there's
little cause for it.
[Check, in terms of general not-wanting to be there.]
6. You interact less and less with co-workers, shutting yourself away in
your office and avoiding opportunities to socialize.
[Check!]
7. You've used up all your sick, personal, and vacation days -- and the year
isn't even half over.
[Hahah! -- not yet, although working on it.]
8. You're constantly putting off until tomorrow what you could (and should)
do today. When you do actually commit to doing your work, you feel
resentful.
[Not really.]
9. You're bitter about the company's success or that of a co-worker.
[Check!]
10. You have no professional goals related to your job, and you have a hard
time even making some up at your obligatory performance review.
[Hahah! "Obligatory performance review" -- Check! My goal is escape.]
Ten Ways to Know It's Time to Go
A Job-Change Checklist
By Caroline Levchuck
No matter how much you love your job, you may not love it all the time.
Folks with the most fulfilling of professions can still find themselves
battling a case of the "Sunday Night Blues." And, from time to time, we may
all feel a sense of disenchantment with our employer or our co-workers.
But how can you know when it's really time to go? Here's a hint: If more
than half of the following statements ring true for you, get your resume
ready and start connecting with new opportunities today.
1. You start to dread Monday as soon as you leave work on Friday.
[Check.]
2. It becomes more and more difficult to get up for work each day, and
tardiness becomes a way of life.
[Check, except reverse tardiness -- wanting to leave early]
3. You cannot muster enthusiasm for anything related to work -- other than
your paycheck.
[CHECK!]
4. You spend most of your time complaining to colleagues or about your
colleagues.
[Check!]
5. You act defensive and even hostile in company meetings when there's
little cause for it.
[Check, in terms of general not-wanting to be there.]
6. You interact less and less with co-workers, shutting yourself away in
your office and avoiding opportunities to socialize.
[Check!]
7. You've used up all your sick, personal, and vacation days -- and the year
isn't even half over.
[Hahah! -- not yet, although working on it.]
8. You're constantly putting off until tomorrow what you could (and should)
do today. When you do actually commit to doing your work, you feel
resentful.
[Not really.]
9. You're bitter about the company's success or that of a co-worker.
[Check!]
10. You have no professional goals related to your job, and you have a hard
time even making some up at your obligatory performance review.
[Hahah! "Obligatory performance review" -- Check! My goal is escape.]
ENFP
I'm definitely more ENFP than I was as a kid. Stuff that's definitely like me is italicized...
Description
ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma.
Learning
ENFPs often learn best through a variety of means, such as observing, reading, and listening to and interacting with others. They enjoy the search for new ideas and possibilities, and will put in the time necessary to master subjects they find interesting. One strength is their enthusiasm for the process of discovery. They enjoy survey courses, comparative studies, and disciplines in which there is much to research and explore. They do not like classes that are too structured, that consist only of lectures, and that allow no room for their imagination. They may get caught up in the learning process and consequently need strict deadlines to bring a project to completion.
ENFPs prefer a learning environment in which the teacher takes personal interest in them, in which there is an opportunity to talk about ideas with their peers, and in which there is a chance to ask questions and develop new ideas.
A motto that might describe the ENFP as a learner is "There's always another way or another answer."
Career
ENFPs often follow a nonlinear career track and nontraditional routes to obtaining knowledge, qualifications, and skills. When they are committed to what they do, they are enthusiastic to the point of preaching to the entire world about it. For an ENFP, work must be fun and must contribute to something larger than merely collecting a paycheck.
The preferred work setting for ENFPs contains imaginative people focused on human possibilities. ENFPs want a work environment that is both physically and mentally colorful. They prefer a participative and collegial atmosphere in which employees are included in the decision making. ENFPs are less productive where there is disharmony because they pay more attention to the relationships between people at work than they do to the tasks. Their ideal job would offer variety, novelty, challenge, and freedom from tight supervision; it would be idea oriented and imaginative, and would have lively, energetic people enjoying themselves and their tasks.
Most ENFPs will say they are organized, but others might not see them that way. Their desire to be open to the moment tends to outweigh their need to be organized. Usually ENFP work space is arranged haphazardly, with work materials and personal momentos scattered about. In terms of the management of time, ENFPs find it particularly difficult to estimate accurately how long an activity will take. Because people's needs are more important than schedules, ENFPs are often late and characteristically full of apologies for their tardiness.
ENFPs prefer occupations that reflect their ideals and that promote harmonious relationships with others. They tend to be attracted to occupations with a service orientation. ENFPs usually find a place in their work life for creativity. They particularly enjoy people-oriented work in which they are able to combine things in new and different ways to benefit humanity. Flexibility and autonomy are important to ENFPs, who may bolt from organizations in which this is not attainable.
Common occupations picked by ENFPs include artist, clergy, consultant, counselor, entertainer, journalist, public relations worker, social scientist, social worker, teacher, and other occupations that allow ENFPs to use their creativity and insight.
Relationships
For ENFPs, loving is an almost constant state. They are generally involved or in love with someone or something new. ENFPs may have originated the quotation "All the world loves a lover." When falling in love, they explore all the new possibilities in the relationship, and the new person is studied in every way. The ENFP tends to idealize his or her current relationship and will often say that their current one is "the best ever."
It might be argued that each type, when first in love, resembles a garden-variety ENFP, because ENFPs normally behave like people in love. Some of the cultural cliches about falling in love - such as "Falling in love with love," "Head over heels in love," "Love is blind," "All the world loves a lover," and "Throw caution to the wind" - seem to apply to the ENFP. This same boundless affection can be showered upon friends, co-workers, and others. People often feel unconditionally loved by ENFPs, but over time many of these relationships dissipate, as in "When I'm not near the ones I love, I love the ones I'm near."
ENFPs are delightful, enthusiastic partners who are young in spirit; there is rarely a dull moment with them. They readily note their partner's best aspects. They may overlook obvious details and facts about their partners that might cause other types to be more cautious. As relationships progress, ENFPs romanticise their partners and make strong efforts to rationalize any discrepancy between the reality and their "ideal."
When they are in love, they may either overcommit and ignore any unpleasant yet true facts; or they may undercommit, believing that there may be a better love "just around the corner." Therefore, ENFPs may be seen as fickle in their relationships as they search for the "right one."
When and if the flaws in the relationship become too obvious to ENFPs, they may admit defeat, feeling great pain because they have put so much energy into perfecting a particular relationship. When ENFPs are scorned, they overgeneralize about their partners' worst faults. Because ENFPs thrive on new possibilities, when they fall out of love, they rebound quickly.
Totally me!
Description
ENFPs are initiators of change who are keenly perceptive of possibilities, and who energize and stimulate through their contagious enthusiasm. They prefer the start-up phase of a project or relationship, and are tireless in the pursuit of new-found interests. ENFPs are able to anticipate the needs of others and to offer them needed help and appreciation. They bring zest, joy, liveliness, and fun to all aspects of their lives. They are at their best in situations that are fluid and changing, and that allow them to express their creativity and use their charisma.
Learning
ENFPs often learn best through a variety of means, such as observing, reading, and listening to and interacting with others. They enjoy the search for new ideas and possibilities, and will put in the time necessary to master subjects they find interesting. One strength is their enthusiasm for the process of discovery. They enjoy survey courses, comparative studies, and disciplines in which there is much to research and explore. They do not like classes that are too structured, that consist only of lectures, and that allow no room for their imagination. They may get caught up in the learning process and consequently need strict deadlines to bring a project to completion.
ENFPs prefer a learning environment in which the teacher takes personal interest in them, in which there is an opportunity to talk about ideas with their peers, and in which there is a chance to ask questions and develop new ideas.
A motto that might describe the ENFP as a learner is "There's always another way or another answer."
Career
ENFPs often follow a nonlinear career track and nontraditional routes to obtaining knowledge, qualifications, and skills. When they are committed to what they do, they are enthusiastic to the point of preaching to the entire world about it. For an ENFP, work must be fun and must contribute to something larger than merely collecting a paycheck.
The preferred work setting for ENFPs contains imaginative people focused on human possibilities. ENFPs want a work environment that is both physically and mentally colorful. They prefer a participative and collegial atmosphere in which employees are included in the decision making. ENFPs are less productive where there is disharmony because they pay more attention to the relationships between people at work than they do to the tasks. Their ideal job would offer variety, novelty, challenge, and freedom from tight supervision; it would be idea oriented and imaginative, and would have lively, energetic people enjoying themselves and their tasks.
Most ENFPs will say they are organized, but others might not see them that way. Their desire to be open to the moment tends to outweigh their need to be organized. Usually ENFP work space is arranged haphazardly, with work materials and personal momentos scattered about. In terms of the management of time, ENFPs find it particularly difficult to estimate accurately how long an activity will take. Because people's needs are more important than schedules, ENFPs are often late and characteristically full of apologies for their tardiness.
ENFPs prefer occupations that reflect their ideals and that promote harmonious relationships with others. They tend to be attracted to occupations with a service orientation. ENFPs usually find a place in their work life for creativity. They particularly enjoy people-oriented work in which they are able to combine things in new and different ways to benefit humanity. Flexibility and autonomy are important to ENFPs, who may bolt from organizations in which this is not attainable.
Common occupations picked by ENFPs include artist, clergy, consultant, counselor, entertainer, journalist, public relations worker, social scientist, social worker, teacher, and other occupations that allow ENFPs to use their creativity and insight.
Relationships
For ENFPs, loving is an almost constant state. They are generally involved or in love with someone or something new. ENFPs may have originated the quotation "All the world loves a lover." When falling in love, they explore all the new possibilities in the relationship, and the new person is studied in every way. The ENFP tends to idealize his or her current relationship and will often say that their current one is "the best ever."
It might be argued that each type, when first in love, resembles a garden-variety ENFP, because ENFPs normally behave like people in love. Some of the cultural cliches about falling in love - such as "Falling in love with love," "Head over heels in love," "Love is blind," "All the world loves a lover," and "Throw caution to the wind" - seem to apply to the ENFP. This same boundless affection can be showered upon friends, co-workers, and others. People often feel unconditionally loved by ENFPs, but over time many of these relationships dissipate, as in "When I'm not near the ones I love, I love the ones I'm near."
ENFPs are delightful, enthusiastic partners who are young in spirit; there is rarely a dull moment with them. They readily note their partner's best aspects. They may overlook obvious details and facts about their partners that might cause other types to be more cautious. As relationships progress, ENFPs romanticise their partners and make strong efforts to rationalize any discrepancy between the reality and their "ideal."
When they are in love, they may either overcommit and ignore any unpleasant yet true facts; or they may undercommit, believing that there may be a better love "just around the corner." Therefore, ENFPs may be seen as fickle in their relationships as they search for the "right one."
When and if the flaws in the relationship become too obvious to ENFPs, they may admit defeat, feeling great pain because they have put so much energy into perfecting a particular relationship. When ENFPs are scorned, they overgeneralize about their partners' worst faults. Because ENFPs thrive on new possibilities, when they fall out of love, they rebound quickly.
Totally me!
Two by Two
Two names you go by:
Daddy
Sike
Two parts of your heritage:
Irish
English
Two things that scare you:
Cancer
Heights
Two everyday essentials:
Food
Water
Two things you are wearing right now:
Wedding ring
Timex wristwatch
Two of your favorite current bands/artists:
Johnny Nobody
Hammerhead (they're not current, but they're my current favorites)
Two things you want in a relationship (other than love):
Honesty
Touching
Two truths:
Lies are always sweeter than truth.
I'm liberal, but I like guns.
Two favorite hobbies:
I don't really have any hobbies, strictly put. Collecting music, I suppose, could qualify, and studying/commenting on politics are things I do reflexively, so I guess they qualify.
Two things you have to do this week:
Get the muffler fixed on the car
Send out some more stories (this weekend)
Two stores you shop at:
Costco
Amazon
Two shows you like to watch:
Bad Girls Club
The Real World
Baseball (Go Cubs!)
Soccer
Two things you'd buy if money were no object:
A coffee/cacao plantation in Kona, Hawaii with a house and Ohana on it and ocean access (you'd all be welcome to visit; we could have BBQ on the beach)
1961 Ferrari 250 GT California
Two wishes for 2007:
Book deal
Newer, better job (which I'd then leave once I got a book deal)
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
All better
Everybody's better. Whew. I hate nausea worse than anything. Worse than pain, even.
Adventure of Doom!
Courtesy of Line Rider, a cool computer drawing program. I can never make anything remotely as intricate as this with it.
Adventure of Doom!
Courtesy of Line Rider, a cool computer drawing program. I can never make anything remotely as intricate as this with it.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Bile Con Dios
Wow, everybody here has stomach flu. First my older son, then my wife and younger son, and then me (at midnight -- it'll be 24 hours of pukeage in like ten minutes. Oh, joy!) Lost five pounds from being dog-sick. The boys have both swiftly recovered, while the adults are laggard, of course. I've got nothing left in me but bile, so I think I should be done hurling, thanks a lot! Stupid viral gastroenteritis!
Oh, and I had made a bunch of dark-chocolate chip cookies yesterday, and had eaten several before the stomach flu kicked in, so I was literally tossing my cookies! Just what you wanted to know, right? Hahha!
Oh, and I had made a bunch of dark-chocolate chip cookies yesterday, and had eaten several before the stomach flu kicked in, so I was literally tossing my cookies! Just what you wanted to know, right? Hahha!
Friday, January 12, 2007
Yummy
My all-time favorite bakery from my hometown (Youngstown, OH): Butter Maid Bakery, now does business online! Yay, Internet! Their chocolate chip cookies, walnut cookies, and elephant ears were a family staple for us; admittedly, I haven't had anything from them since 1988, but the ownership is the same, so I'm hoping the recipes and the quality will still be there. Fingers crossed (I ordered some of their chocolate chip cookies).
Whoopsie
Karma caught up with me! I actually got sick yesterday, but I went to work anyway, not wanting to take another sick day so soon after last week.
Three-day weekend ahead, thanks to MLK Day on Monday. Woo hoo!
Three-day weekend ahead, thanks to MLK Day on Monday. Woo hoo!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Fill in the [Blank]
From Vesper, Queen of Memes...
1. I have never wanted to skydive; but I’ve always thought I might like to own a motorcycle.
2. When I was 5 years old, I believed in Santa Claus, but I got over it soon after my parents divorced.
3. If I was my own best friend, what I would enjoy the most about spending time with Me would be my love of life and sense of humor; while what I’d find the most irritating would be my tendency to brood when tired and periodic bouts of nihilistic angst.
4. If the story of my life up to this point was being published tomorrow, it would be titled Big Guy or else Dude (because that's what people usually call me) and it would be dedicated to everybody whom I love.
5. When my time on Earth is over, and the people who loved me are remembering me, it would please me if they said he wrote great stories; who knew that a writer who attained such huge, worldwide success could actually write so well and remain such a fun person? (I say that because everybody who knows me knows I'm loving, fun, and fun-loving, so I wanted to be remembered for the writing, in the vain hope that I'll succeed at it).
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I think...
...I'm going to play hookey tomorrow. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, so I think I'm not going to go.
*koff* <-- See? I'm sick.
This evening, I brought in a 40-lb. bag of cat litter and managed to snag it on the doorknob, rupturing the bag. Luckily, Wifey was there, so she could get a Hefty bag I could pour the litter into before it poured all over our floor. Close one!
*koff* <-- See? I'm sick.
This evening, I brought in a 40-lb. bag of cat litter and managed to snag it on the doorknob, rupturing the bag. Luckily, Wifey was there, so she could get a Hefty bag I could pour the litter into before it poured all over our floor. Close one!
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Prodigal Son of a Bitch
Reading Amy's post got me thinking, because I'm dealing with something similar, familywise. Sort of. More like a not-so-funhouse mirror version.
Back story: My folks divorced when I was five, once my mom found out that he'd been cheating on her. My father was a rotten dad. Perhaps not physically abusive (that I can remember, at least), but most definitely psychologically and emotionally abusive. All of my memories of him are laced with fear, sadness, upset, annoyance, anger, pain, terror -- I have no good memories of him.
Near as I can tell, the only good things I got from him were: 1) my brains, and 2) my height. My mom often said that she thought maybe he was jealous because she loved me more than she loved him, and he took it out on me. Wouldn't be surprised. All the time during visitation (once a month, I think, until I was 18), I would make sure to bring a pocketknife and some quarters for a payphone, and would keep my car door unlocked when he'd drive me wherever, because I was always afraid he'd kidnap me. Not like that was an actual risk, but I didn't want him to be my dad, to take me away from my happier family. I liked my stepfamily better.
After I was 18, I didn't actually see him again until I was 26, when he motorcycled to Chicago unannounced and showed up at my door. That's the last time I saw him in person. Beyond that, a periodic e-mail or whatever, a cursory sending of pictures of my sons so he can see them. I don't love the man, pure and simple. He was a bad dad, and I haven't forgotten anything he did in my childhood, and I know that I'm scarred from it. I still get along better with women than with men, and I know it's because of my dad.
So, anyway, my dad is old. He's in his early 70s, now. I'm not entirely sure how old he is, now. But his health is deteriorating. He's in his fifth marriage, and I have a couple of younger half-sisters from his fourth marriage (my mom was his second marriage). One of them wrote me and told me that he had to go to the emergency room.
Apparently he had serious blockage of his right carotid artery, and had to undergo surgery on Tuesday for it, where they were going to put a stent in there to deal with it. He experienced a bunch of mini strokes which have impaired his motor skills some, although he's as sharp as ever. He also has a growth on his pituitary gland that they're looking into. He has adult-onset diabetes and other cardiac troubles. It looks to me that he's going to die in the next few years, at the rate he's going.
Thus, I'm in a bit of a situation. Should I go to his funeral when it comes? I'm his oldest child, the only boy. Without his contribution, I'd not have been alive. But he was a terrible dad. Manipulative, guiltmongering, temperamental, abusive, hateful. A bad man, across the board -- I've based my own fatherhood successes on not being like him.
What is my duty to him? I say, without hesitation, that I do not love him. My stepdad was much more of a father to me than my real father was. When my real dad dies, whenever that is, I just don't think I'll feel anything, as terrible as that sounds.
If I went to his funeral, I don't even know if I could possibly say anything good about him! Whatever I would say would be complete bullshit, a total lie.
When one of my half-sisters told me about the recent operation, I thought I'd send him a get well card. I'm not going to call him. Too many ghosts. My wife thinks I should call him, talk to him, but the few times I've talked to him since I was 18, it's always been really awkward, entirely uncomfortable. He's a stranger to me, and I am to him. The man I've become isn't the man he was, thank God.
Anyway, I don't know. What does a child owe a shitty parent? As an adult? I won't forget, and I doubt I could forgive. I mean, when my folks divorced, it was like a cloud had lifted on my life. I wrestle with it now as we creep into the inexorable sunset of his life.
His legacy: I am really good with my sons, give them attention and love and show interest in them and their lives, and both of my boys love me so much. I basically do the opposite of what my dad did with me. But that legacy is in spite of my father, not because of him.
Back story: My folks divorced when I was five, once my mom found out that he'd been cheating on her. My father was a rotten dad. Perhaps not physically abusive (that I can remember, at least), but most definitely psychologically and emotionally abusive. All of my memories of him are laced with fear, sadness, upset, annoyance, anger, pain, terror -- I have no good memories of him.
Near as I can tell, the only good things I got from him were: 1) my brains, and 2) my height. My mom often said that she thought maybe he was jealous because she loved me more than she loved him, and he took it out on me. Wouldn't be surprised. All the time during visitation (once a month, I think, until I was 18), I would make sure to bring a pocketknife and some quarters for a payphone, and would keep my car door unlocked when he'd drive me wherever, because I was always afraid he'd kidnap me. Not like that was an actual risk, but I didn't want him to be my dad, to take me away from my happier family. I liked my stepfamily better.
After I was 18, I didn't actually see him again until I was 26, when he motorcycled to Chicago unannounced and showed up at my door. That's the last time I saw him in person. Beyond that, a periodic e-mail or whatever, a cursory sending of pictures of my sons so he can see them. I don't love the man, pure and simple. He was a bad dad, and I haven't forgotten anything he did in my childhood, and I know that I'm scarred from it. I still get along better with women than with men, and I know it's because of my dad.
So, anyway, my dad is old. He's in his early 70s, now. I'm not entirely sure how old he is, now. But his health is deteriorating. He's in his fifth marriage, and I have a couple of younger half-sisters from his fourth marriage (my mom was his second marriage). One of them wrote me and told me that he had to go to the emergency room.
Apparently he had serious blockage of his right carotid artery, and had to undergo surgery on Tuesday for it, where they were going to put a stent in there to deal with it. He experienced a bunch of mini strokes which have impaired his motor skills some, although he's as sharp as ever. He also has a growth on his pituitary gland that they're looking into. He has adult-onset diabetes and other cardiac troubles. It looks to me that he's going to die in the next few years, at the rate he's going.
Thus, I'm in a bit of a situation. Should I go to his funeral when it comes? I'm his oldest child, the only boy. Without his contribution, I'd not have been alive. But he was a terrible dad. Manipulative, guiltmongering, temperamental, abusive, hateful. A bad man, across the board -- I've based my own fatherhood successes on not being like him.
What is my duty to him? I say, without hesitation, that I do not love him. My stepdad was much more of a father to me than my real father was. When my real dad dies, whenever that is, I just don't think I'll feel anything, as terrible as that sounds.
If I went to his funeral, I don't even know if I could possibly say anything good about him! Whatever I would say would be complete bullshit, a total lie.
When one of my half-sisters told me about the recent operation, I thought I'd send him a get well card. I'm not going to call him. Too many ghosts. My wife thinks I should call him, talk to him, but the few times I've talked to him since I was 18, it's always been really awkward, entirely uncomfortable. He's a stranger to me, and I am to him. The man I've become isn't the man he was, thank God.
Anyway, I don't know. What does a child owe a shitty parent? As an adult? I won't forget, and I doubt I could forgive. I mean, when my folks divorced, it was like a cloud had lifted on my life. I wrestle with it now as we creep into the inexorable sunset of his life.
His legacy: I am really good with my sons, give them attention and love and show interest in them and their lives, and both of my boys love me so much. I basically do the opposite of what my dad did with me. But that legacy is in spite of my father, not because of him.
Maybe, baby
I really got my resumé all sparkly over Xmas and New Year's, and am sending it out to various employers, hoping I get some nibbles. Right now, I'm looking for anything writing- and editing-related that'll pay in the mid-$60s. I'm not greedy, but as the sole breadwinner of the house with a five-year-old and a one-year-old and a wife (who's going back to school, which I'm paying for) and an apartment in one of Chicago's best neighborhoods, I've got to keep my eye on the bottom line, wagewise. That makes it hard to find the right work, especially given how employers have been coy about posting pay levels, trying to give themselves the most freedom to lowball would-be hires. Jerks.
Long-term, my aspirations are entirely outside the 925 Grind, of course. But for now, I'm stuck playing the game. I remember as a 20-something, planning for early retirement by the time I was 35. Now I'm almost 37 (come April 16). Whoopsie. Guess I'm behind schedule.
I remember my barometer used to be that Orson Welles did "Citizen Kane" when he was 25, so I was like "Okay, I need to get going on XYZ." 25 came and went, and I spun my wheels. I enjoyed my 20s, but wasn't very disciplined.
I didn't get disciplined until my first son was born, in 2002. That's when clarity intruded on me, like reality: "I could keep going this way forever. I need to get serious about what I want to do with this life."
That's when I really seriously began to write, like 100,000+ words a year. In 2005, I began sending stories out. Nothing's clicked, yet, unfortunately. Even the one acceptance I got last year is delayed because they're having issues with their printer, and my story won't see light until late this year. Frustrating.
Music: Superdrag, "I Guess It's American"
Long-term, my aspirations are entirely outside the 925 Grind, of course. But for now, I'm stuck playing the game. I remember as a 20-something, planning for early retirement by the time I was 35. Now I'm almost 37 (come April 16). Whoopsie. Guess I'm behind schedule.
I remember my barometer used to be that Orson Welles did "Citizen Kane" when he was 25, so I was like "Okay, I need to get going on XYZ." 25 came and went, and I spun my wheels. I enjoyed my 20s, but wasn't very disciplined.
I didn't get disciplined until my first son was born, in 2002. That's when clarity intruded on me, like reality: "I could keep going this way forever. I need to get serious about what I want to do with this life."
That's when I really seriously began to write, like 100,000+ words a year. In 2005, I began sending stories out. Nothing's clicked, yet, unfortunately. Even the one acceptance I got last year is delayed because they're having issues with their printer, and my story won't see light until late this year. Frustrating.
Music: Superdrag, "I Guess It's American"
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
D-pressed
I'm depressed today. I turn 37 in April. That kinda sucks. It used to be that I'd look forward to the new year, but now, they get just a smidgen grimmer for me, in a way. Despair has kind of crept into my bones, irritatingly enough. My 20s are so remote from me, and my 30s are nearly over, and I feel like I've barely noticed them (part of that is because 2002 and 2005 were newborn baby years, which are basically lost years, in terms of time and awareness).
Today is my older boy's fifth birthday. I'm kinda amazed at that. He's growing up so fast. Time just sprints by.
It's hard to stay young at heart when you're not young anymore!
Today is my older boy's fifth birthday. I'm kinda amazed at that. He's growing up so fast. Time just sprints by.
It's hard to stay young at heart when you're not young anymore!
Monday, January 01, 2007
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